Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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