Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
