So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
