I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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