How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Randomize
