I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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