Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
