You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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