remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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