apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
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