My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
