I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
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