Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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