Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
