the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
