Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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