just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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