he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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