PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
