I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
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