I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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