she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
