And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
