Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I haven't been this sober since birth.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
this is an emotional support booty call
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
