Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
