i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
