Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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