i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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