I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
