You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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