i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
