quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
