Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
