I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I want her autograph on my taint
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize