You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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