I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
