you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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