id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
