I don't usually arrange sex via text message
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
