If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
