i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
We don't watch enough power rangers
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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