i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
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