If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
