I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
