i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Randomize
