the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
