i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
