Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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