He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
You smell like stripper and shame
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
