Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
