wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
accomplished twins. life is a go
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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