Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize