either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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