I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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