i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
