even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
